One of my favorite sayings about children is “they move out but never leave.” When my daughter got married and bought a house larger than mine, I thought it was time to give her all her stuff that had been stored in my house. Now, I know you don’t have any of your kids stuff or their precious belongings in your basement (yeah, right) so this may not apply to you.
If you are in the minority of parents who are saving all their darling’s material memories, it may be time to settle up with them- and give them their things. After all, it’s theirs, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you like to have the space back that is being held by the 20 year old rocking chair and the hundreds of books, dolls, and the like? G’won, admit it- you want it out! I brought it to my daughter each time I visited- two boxes at a time- until I was void of her things. This gave her the ability to decide what she wanted, and what to give or throw away. It worked for both of us.
But what do you do when they come back to live at home? While we love our children, the fact is that we’ve settled into a lifestyle without children, and having them home again puts a crimp in our style. Yes, the little darlings just look at us as parents: little do they know we too have a life outside of them! But how do you handle the sudden change in your lifestyle, and what are the terms of them coming home? You did set terms, didn’t you?
Congress recently voted to allow parents to extend health insurance benefits to age 26 for children living at home. After that time, if they have not found gainful employment (ouch) they may apply for individually owned insurance. Check www.healthins.com for continuation of coverage for them. What else should you do? Don’t forget it’s your home, so setting guidelines and ground rules are applicable even though they are all grown up. It’s important for them to understand that they are impeding on your lifestyle, so the old “I’m 21 now and too old for curfews” doesn’t work. If they expect to live under your roof, you deserve the respect from them to go by your rules, or at least those that are agreed to by both parties. You’re not the Happiness Hotel: be keenly clear that this is temporary, and there are conditions.
Offer to pay for their health insurance and car payments or car insurance for a specified period of time: perhaps three months only. After that time, it is their responsibility to have a job and pay for it themselves. If they are not employed at that time, draft an agreement that they are responsible to pay you back when they do find their way. A little pressure is good motivator. You wouldn’t enter into an open agreement- why should they? Give them some incentive to go job hunting. Once they find a job, if they want to continue to live at home, define an amount for them to contribute to the household expenses and be sure to collect it. If they have a 401(k) option at work, require them to contribute 10% of their pay, or charge them rent which you will NOT give back to them. Don’t co-sign any loans for them- it could adversely affect your credit rating, or you may find yourself at the end of a lawsuit should they not keep up on their payments.
Teaching our children sound financial principals and integrity is part of being a good parent. Don’t fall into the black hole of enabling- there is no good to be had by it.
